Accidentally Engaged to My Worst Enemy

Transcript

Host2:(banging on doors) This is YOUR fault!

Host1:My fault? I just pressed 'G' like a normal person.

Host2:You looked at the button wrong. You have aggressive finger energy.

Host1:That's not a thing.

Host2:Everything about you is a thing I hate.

Host1:If we die here, I want you to know —

Host2:Don't say something nice. I'll throw up.

Host1:—that your coffee breath has been assaulting me for ten minutes.

Host2:(gasps) I drink TEA!

Host1:That's worse.

Host2:Don't.

Host1:I wasn't going to.

Host2:Your heart is beating fast.

Host1:That's called survival instinct. You're very heavy.

Host2:I will END you!

Host2:(shouting, excited) Oh my GOD! He proposed!

Host2:What? No!

Host1:Absolutely not.

Host2:I saw the whole thing! You were in his arms! He looked terrified — that's true love!

Host2:Grandma, that's the face of regret.

Host1:I regret nothing except this conversation.

Host2:(already on phone) Wedding chapel? Deluxe package! Fake flowers only. My granddaughter hates real ones.

Host2:GRANDMA!

Host1:Your grandmother posted on Facebook. 200 likes already.

Host2:I'm moving to Antarctica.

Host1:Penguins don't want you.

Host2:Why are you still here?

Host1:She threatened to tell my boss I steal office pens.

Host2:Do you?

Host1:That's not the point.

Host2:(grinning) Compliments of your grandma. [places coffee, Liam's cup says "World's Okayest Fiancé"]

Host2:(burying face in hands) I'm going to die single because of a 5'2" retired librarian.

Host1:Look, we just have to pretend for one week. Then her cruise leaves, and we "break up."

Host2:And why would you help me?

Host1:(smirking) Because watching you suffer is my favorite hobby.

Host2:That's disturbingly romantic.

Host1:Don't.

Host2:Your heart is beating fast again.

Host1:It's caffeine.

Host2:You drink decaf.

Host1:I hate you.

Host2:Likewise.

Host1:Stop looking at me like that.

Host2:Like what?

Host1:Like you don't hate me.

Host2:(looks away) Maybe I'm a good actress.

Host2:(teary) You two are so beautiful. Kiss!

Host2:Grandma, we're not —

Host2:KISS OR I DISOWN YOU!

Host1:(whispering) Just a peck. On the cheek. Like she's 90.

Host2:(whispering) If you try anything, I'll bite.

Host1:Promises, promises.

Host2:AGAIN! SLOWER!

Host1:(to Zoe, quietly) You're blushing.

Host2:It's the marinara.

Host1:You haven't touched your food.

Host2:Then it's your stupid face.

Host1:(grins) There she is.

Host2:(confused) Why are you being nice?

Host1:I'm not. I'm competitive. I want to be the best fake fiancé you've ever had.

Host2:You're the only fake fiancé I've ever had.

Host1:Exactly. I'm winning by default.

Host2:Tomorrow we "break up." Then you go back to stealing pens, and I go back to hating you.

Host1:Sounds like a plan.

Host2:Why are you still standing there?

Host1:Why are you?

Host1:Zoe.

Host2:What.

Host1:I don't actually hate you.

Host2:(surprised) You literally called my presentation "a garbage fire" last week.

Host1:It was a garbage fire. But you put it out with style.

Host2:Nicest insult you've ever given me.

Host1:(steps closer) And I don't drink decaf.

Host2:Liar.

Host1:My heart was beating fast in the elevator because of you. Not survival.

Host2:(whispers) Stop.

Host1:Make me.

Host2:If you're going to kiss me, do it before I change my mind.

Host1:And if I don't?

Host2:Then I'll kiss you. You'll hate that because you're competitive. [He laughs. She grabs his collar. They kiss.]

Host2:(pulling back) That was…

Host1:Terrible. Let's do it again.

Host2:(popping out from behind a plant) FINALLY! I was running out of Facebook posts!

Host2:GRANDMA!

Host2:Don't worry, dears. I canceled the cruise. You're welcome.

Host1:If that's a ring, I swear —

Host2:It's a pen. I stole it from your desk.

Host1:(touched) You monster.

Host2:Also, your fake proposal was terrible. So I got you a real one. [She opens the box. Inside: a tiny plastic squirrel holding a sign that says "Marry me?"]

Host1:(stares) Is this because of the elevator thing?

Host2:Yes. Also, I love you. Unfortunately.

Host1:(pulls her close) I love you too. Even though your tea breath is still terrible.

Host2:It's coffee now.

Host1:(kisses her) Worse. [Elevator doors open. Grandma Ruth is there.]

Host2:I HAVE THE WEDDING PLANNER ON SPEED DIAL! CONGRATULATIONS, CHILDREN!

Host2:(to Liam, resigned) We're never getting rid of her, are we?

Host1:(smiling) Would you want to?

Host2:(sighs) No.